I've been feeling a little sad lately. I'm turning 50 and the two most important women in my life who helped to make me the woman I am today won't be there to share in the celebration. They won't be there to take care of the details and they won't be there to take care of me. I'm not depressed, I'm just sad. Let me explain the difference.
I once read an article about Gloria Steinem where she talked getting married. She had always said that "marriage was the model for slavery in this country." She explained her change in attitude toward marriage, saying "I didn't change. Marriage changed. We spent 30 years in the United States changing the marriage laws. If I had married when I was supposed to get married, I would have lost my name, my legal residence, my credit rating, many of my civil rights. That's not true anymore. It's possible to make an equal marriage." So when she was 66 she got married to David Bale, Christian's father, an environmental animal activist. They were married for almost 3 years and then he died of brain lymphoma. She was devastated. She said that her friends would come around and tell her that she needed to get out and that she was depressed, but she said "I wasn't depressed. I was sad." She explained the difference so eloquently. "When you are depressed you don't care about anything and nothing matters, but when you are sad everything matters and everything is poignant."
I know that was a long explanation, but I tell that story a lot. I was a young girl when Gloria Steinem first came into the public eye, but I remember how powerful her presence was. Subconsciously I know she had an impact on my life because from a very young age I never thought that I would just get married and be a housewife (not that there's anything wrong with that!). I always thought I would have a career and was really attracted to male dominated fields. If they can do it so can I! My mother really inspired me to become my own person. She was always encouraging me to be brave and break out of the mold. Whether it was a career choice or fashion choice, she was always on my side. She was my biggest fan.
In my sadness I've been neglecting my commitments I've made to myself. I feel like I've "hopped" off the wagon. Get it. With Easter and all. "Hopped." Anyway, I had Easter and two birthday parties to attend this past week and a Bunco party and I can feel it on my hips and thighs. I made not such great choices like buying those Cadbury Mini Chocolate Easter Eggs or the triple cream brie cheese that ate BEFORE Easter brunch. I just really ate too much, not all at one sitting, but through out the week snacking, like I use to do.
I guess the key here is "like I use to do", because I don't want to eat like that anymore. I don't want to live with the consequences and the weight gain. I know that I'll be a pound or two up today and we can use a pass to skip a weigh in, but I'm ready to face the scale. I have to or I'll run, just like "I use to do". This is the time to be patient with myself. I'll get the weight off. It may take a while, but that's okay. I'm not going anywhere and I've got all the time in the world.
And you know what, it's okay to feel to sad. It's not okay to use that as an excuse to "eat your feelings" or more importantly to let your feelings eat at you. So I'm back on the plan today and motivated to walk the track after my meeting. It will make me feel and look better in the long run. Making progress one step at a time.
No comments:
Post a Comment