Those Feelings Don't Taste So Good

I've been feeling a little sad lately.  I'm turning 50 and the two most important women in my life who helped to make me the woman I am today won't be there to share in the celebration. They won't be there to take care of the details and they won't be there to take care of me. I'm not depressed, I'm just sad. Let me explain the difference.

I once read an article about Gloria Steinem where she talked getting married. She had always said that "marriage was the model for slavery in this country." She explained her change in attitude toward marriage, saying "I didn't change. Marriage changed. We spent 30 years in the United States changing the marriage laws. If I had married when I was supposed to get married, I would have lost my name, my legal residence, my credit rating, many of my civil rights. That's not true anymore. It's possible to make an equal marriage."  So when she was 66 she got married to David Bale, Christian's father, an environmental animal activist. They were married for almost 3 years and then he died of brain lymphoma.  She was devastated. She said that her friends would come around and tell her that she needed to get out and that she was depressed, but she said "I wasn't depressed. I was sad." She explained the difference so eloquently. "When you are depressed you don't care about anything and nothing matters, but when you are sad everything matters and everything is poignant."

I know that was a long explanation, but I tell that story a lot. I was a young girl when Gloria Steinem first came into the public eye, but I remember how powerful her presence was.  Subconsciously I know she had an impact on my life because from a very young age I never thought that I would just get married and be a housewife (not that there's anything wrong with that!). I always thought I would have a career and was really attracted to male dominated fields. If they can do it so can I! My mother really inspired me to become my own person. She was always encouraging me to be brave and break out of the mold. Whether it was a career choice or fashion choice, she was always on my side. She was my biggest fan.

In my sadness I've been neglecting my commitments I've made to myself. I feel like I've "hopped" off the wagon. Get it. With Easter and all. "Hopped."  Anyway, I had Easter and two birthday parties to attend this past week and a Bunco party and I can feel it on my hips and thighs. I made not such great choices like buying those Cadbury Mini Chocolate Easter Eggs or the triple cream brie cheese that  ate BEFORE Easter brunch. I just really ate too much, not all at one sitting, but through out the week snacking, like I use to do.

I guess the key here is "like I use to do", because I don't want to eat like that anymore. I don't want to live with the consequences and the weight gain. I know that I'll be a pound or two up today and we can use a pass to skip a weigh in, but I'm ready to face the scale. I have to or I'll run, just like "I use to do". This is the time to be patient with myself. I'll get the weight off. It may take a while, but that's okay. I'm not going anywhere and I've got all the time in the world.


 And you know what, it's okay to feel to sad. It's not okay to use that as an excuse to "eat your feelings" or more importantly to let your feelings eat at you.  So I'm back on the plan today and motivated to walk the track after my meeting. It will make me feel and look better in the long run.  Making progress one step at a time.

Milestones

Back down 1.6 pounds this week. I'm three weeks away from being three months on the plan and I'm 2.8 pounds away from losing 20% of my weight. Both big milestones in WW. I'm also three weeks away from the anniversary of my father's death (14 years ago!) and four weeks away from my 50th birthday. I just calculated how long a go my father died and I'm shocked how fast time is passing.

So May really starts the Milestone season for me. My father, my birthday and Mother's Day. I've always enjoyed my birthday, but it was because my mother always made a big deal for all of us on our birthdays. I am lucky to have friends to pick up the slack this year especially being a big one, but I still miss my mother and the joy it gave her to plan out a party.

Speaking of my mother, then we sail into June and the 18th is the anniversary of her death (2 years). This is a tough one of course. And her birthday, just a few weeks later on July 9th. Last year we went to Knott's Berry Farm and had my mom's favorite meal, Mrs. Knott's Chicken Dinner. This was something we did a few weeks before she died to celebrate her 80th birthday. This will be a tradition to do with whom ever wants to join and celebrate my mother's sweet spirit and love of food! My mother entertained a lot and she always took pictures of the food! She was a foodie at heart!

Also in July is my sister's birthday on the 24th. She also died a few weeks after her birthday on the 6th of August (11 years). This is also just another reminder about how much I miss her. I don't have anything I do traditionally for her, but it's never too late to start. My parent's friend had a place on Balboa Island and we would go every summer and I have such fond memories of us as kids and adults. I think I would like to start a tradition and go there at least once during the summer and walk around the island with a Balboa Bar or Frozen Banana.

Funny how we remember people and places and food! It truly is the meaning of comfort food! Fried chicken, rhubarb compote, boysenberry pie, Balboa Bars. Rosie my WW mentor says it's okay to eat these things on occasion and then she creates an occasion to have them! I can't think of a better way to honor the memories of my family than old fashioned favorites from places from my childhood. I'm going to take this occasion to remember my father and mother and sister and the great times we had as a family. I don't need to eat this stuff everyday, but on occasion works for me!

Up, Up And Away

It finally happened. I went to weigh in and I was up 0.2 pounds! Okay, so it wasn't a pound or even half a pound. I wasn't too surprised. I had gone to a Dodger game Friday night and had to have a Dodger Dog and a beer and peanuts. I wanted cotton candy, but I drew the line. I think I made the right choice between the peanuts and the cotton candy. Seriously, I had that conversation in my head. I just could not justify the sugar. The peanuts at least have some nutritional value. The truth is, I could have had both, but did I really want both? Did I want to waste my points on cotton candy when I had a wedding to go to the next day at Gordon Ramsey's The London?

This is how my brain works now.  I used to think about what I was eating and knew it wasn't the best choice, but now I'm thinking about how what I want and when I want it. It sounds exhausting, but it's really becoming a habit. It's really easy to make the right choice, it's when I want something that isn't the right choice where the argument comes in. Sometimes you just have to give in to the temptation. This doesn't mean that I can eat entire pint of ice cream or a pizza pie (yum!), but it does mean that I can have a scoop of ice cream and a slice of pizza and still feel good about myself.

Saturday night was the wedding. The good thing about a reception at a hot Hotel/Restaurant is that the portions are small, but flavorful! I drank wine, ate a piece of cake and had a macaroon. It was so worth it and that's the point (literally!). You have to pick and choose. I appreciate food a lot more than I did before. It just tastes better and I'm more selective about what I eat. Not always, but most of the time. I mean sometimes, you just gotta have some beer and peanuts!

So I'm up, no surprise, but honestly, I will be on the down side next week. I'm back to my regular schedule, have no Dodger games or weddings in the future and have my eye on the prize. Doesn't mean I'll turn down any offers, I mean Easter is right around the corner.  I'm just living my life differently and it feels so much better.