Those Feelings Don't Taste So Good

I've been feeling a little sad lately.  I'm turning 50 and the two most important women in my life who helped to make me the woman I am today won't be there to share in the celebration. They won't be there to take care of the details and they won't be there to take care of me. I'm not depressed, I'm just sad. Let me explain the difference.

I once read an article about Gloria Steinem where she talked getting married. She had always said that "marriage was the model for slavery in this country." She explained her change in attitude toward marriage, saying "I didn't change. Marriage changed. We spent 30 years in the United States changing the marriage laws. If I had married when I was supposed to get married, I would have lost my name, my legal residence, my credit rating, many of my civil rights. That's not true anymore. It's possible to make an equal marriage."  So when she was 66 she got married to David Bale, Christian's father, an environmental animal activist. They were married for almost 3 years and then he died of brain lymphoma.  She was devastated. She said that her friends would come around and tell her that she needed to get out and that she was depressed, but she said "I wasn't depressed. I was sad." She explained the difference so eloquently. "When you are depressed you don't care about anything and nothing matters, but when you are sad everything matters and everything is poignant."

I know that was a long explanation, but I tell that story a lot. I was a young girl when Gloria Steinem first came into the public eye, but I remember how powerful her presence was.  Subconsciously I know she had an impact on my life because from a very young age I never thought that I would just get married and be a housewife (not that there's anything wrong with that!). I always thought I would have a career and was really attracted to male dominated fields. If they can do it so can I! My mother really inspired me to become my own person. She was always encouraging me to be brave and break out of the mold. Whether it was a career choice or fashion choice, she was always on my side. She was my biggest fan.

In my sadness I've been neglecting my commitments I've made to myself. I feel like I've "hopped" off the wagon. Get it. With Easter and all. "Hopped."  Anyway, I had Easter and two birthday parties to attend this past week and a Bunco party and I can feel it on my hips and thighs. I made not such great choices like buying those Cadbury Mini Chocolate Easter Eggs or the triple cream brie cheese that  ate BEFORE Easter brunch. I just really ate too much, not all at one sitting, but through out the week snacking, like I use to do.

I guess the key here is "like I use to do", because I don't want to eat like that anymore. I don't want to live with the consequences and the weight gain. I know that I'll be a pound or two up today and we can use a pass to skip a weigh in, but I'm ready to face the scale. I have to or I'll run, just like "I use to do". This is the time to be patient with myself. I'll get the weight off. It may take a while, but that's okay. I'm not going anywhere and I've got all the time in the world.


 And you know what, it's okay to feel to sad. It's not okay to use that as an excuse to "eat your feelings" or more importantly to let your feelings eat at you.  So I'm back on the plan today and motivated to walk the track after my meeting. It will make me feel and look better in the long run.  Making progress one step at a time.

Milestones

Back down 1.6 pounds this week. I'm three weeks away from being three months on the plan and I'm 2.8 pounds away from losing 20% of my weight. Both big milestones in WW. I'm also three weeks away from the anniversary of my father's death (14 years ago!) and four weeks away from my 50th birthday. I just calculated how long a go my father died and I'm shocked how fast time is passing.

So May really starts the Milestone season for me. My father, my birthday and Mother's Day. I've always enjoyed my birthday, but it was because my mother always made a big deal for all of us on our birthdays. I am lucky to have friends to pick up the slack this year especially being a big one, but I still miss my mother and the joy it gave her to plan out a party.

Speaking of my mother, then we sail into June and the 18th is the anniversary of her death (2 years). This is a tough one of course. And her birthday, just a few weeks later on July 9th. Last year we went to Knott's Berry Farm and had my mom's favorite meal, Mrs. Knott's Chicken Dinner. This was something we did a few weeks before she died to celebrate her 80th birthday. This will be a tradition to do with whom ever wants to join and celebrate my mother's sweet spirit and love of food! My mother entertained a lot and she always took pictures of the food! She was a foodie at heart!

Also in July is my sister's birthday on the 24th. She also died a few weeks after her birthday on the 6th of August (11 years). This is also just another reminder about how much I miss her. I don't have anything I do traditionally for her, but it's never too late to start. My parent's friend had a place on Balboa Island and we would go every summer and I have such fond memories of us as kids and adults. I think I would like to start a tradition and go there at least once during the summer and walk around the island with a Balboa Bar or Frozen Banana.

Funny how we remember people and places and food! It truly is the meaning of comfort food! Fried chicken, rhubarb compote, boysenberry pie, Balboa Bars. Rosie my WW mentor says it's okay to eat these things on occasion and then she creates an occasion to have them! I can't think of a better way to honor the memories of my family than old fashioned favorites from places from my childhood. I'm going to take this occasion to remember my father and mother and sister and the great times we had as a family. I don't need to eat this stuff everyday, but on occasion works for me!

Up, Up And Away

It finally happened. I went to weigh in and I was up 0.2 pounds! Okay, so it wasn't a pound or even half a pound. I wasn't too surprised. I had gone to a Dodger game Friday night and had to have a Dodger Dog and a beer and peanuts. I wanted cotton candy, but I drew the line. I think I made the right choice between the peanuts and the cotton candy. Seriously, I had that conversation in my head. I just could not justify the sugar. The peanuts at least have some nutritional value. The truth is, I could have had both, but did I really want both? Did I want to waste my points on cotton candy when I had a wedding to go to the next day at Gordon Ramsey's The London?

This is how my brain works now.  I used to think about what I was eating and knew it wasn't the best choice, but now I'm thinking about how what I want and when I want it. It sounds exhausting, but it's really becoming a habit. It's really easy to make the right choice, it's when I want something that isn't the right choice where the argument comes in. Sometimes you just have to give in to the temptation. This doesn't mean that I can eat entire pint of ice cream or a pizza pie (yum!), but it does mean that I can have a scoop of ice cream and a slice of pizza and still feel good about myself.

Saturday night was the wedding. The good thing about a reception at a hot Hotel/Restaurant is that the portions are small, but flavorful! I drank wine, ate a piece of cake and had a macaroon. It was so worth it and that's the point (literally!). You have to pick and choose. I appreciate food a lot more than I did before. It just tastes better and I'm more selective about what I eat. Not always, but most of the time. I mean sometimes, you just gotta have some beer and peanuts!

So I'm up, no surprise, but honestly, I will be on the down side next week. I'm back to my regular schedule, have no Dodger games or weddings in the future and have my eye on the prize. Doesn't mean I'll turn down any offers, I mean Easter is right around the corner.  I'm just living my life differently and it feels so much better.

Girl's Just Wanna Have Fun

I had a really good week last week and when I say good, I mean I had a good time with good friends and ate good food! I finally went to the Grilled Cheese Truck! I split a sandwich with Mary Jo called the Cheesy Mac and Rib (cheesy macaroni and cheese with bbq pulled pork and carmelized onions!) Then I split my half with Anne who got the Brie Melt (brie, fig paste and smokehouse almonds!) to top those off, we also got the Parmesan crust on each sandwich. To add to the mixture, I got a shot of tomato soup and we all split some delicious tater tots! We all ended up at Shannon's house and it turned into a fun girl's night out. It doesn't get much better, great friends, grilled cheese and wine.

The next day was a wonderful girly day, with Betsy, shopping in Pasadena. Eileen Fisher was having an in store charity event and had Porto's food and champagne. We had some champagne, but I wasn't even tempted by Porto's which is not like me all! I think a big motivator was fitting into a few medium size articles of clothing! I've known Betsy since I was 18 when we both worked at Contempo Casuals together and she is really a sister to me.

Well, I didn't think it could get much better, but Saturday night was Bunco. When I first got this group together my vision was a group of great women who not only like to have a good time, but would eventually become a support group for each other. I didn't tell any of them that, but I secretly hoped it would turn out that way and it has. I love and care about each one of these women and I feel like we all have each other's back. Bunco is always a pot luck and we have some terrific cooks! Irish Stew, Meatballs, Cheese Puffs, Vegetarian Lasagna, Pear and Goat Cheese Salad (my contribution) and all kinds of breads and appetizers. We are a foodie group! For dessert French Macaroons and mini Cupcakes. I tried it all and was not disappointed!

To top it all off I spent Sunday in Santa Barbara with Stefani and Sheila. It tuned out to be a beautiful day so we had to go Brophy Bros. on the pier and sit outside on the patio. I had a beer, fried clams and their yummy clam chowder! I can't say enough how relieved I am to have Stef and Sheila live so close to me now. It was a long 5 years apart!

My point to all this is that I had a fulfilling weekend both emotionally and physically and I still somehow lost half a pound.  I think part of it was that it wasn't really about the food, okay the Grilled Cheese truck was about the food, but then it turned out to be about good friends.

I could not do this successfully without the love and support of my good friends. They are kind and and encouraging and want to see me happy. I am fortunate to have such a great group of friends in my life. Some people are lucky enough to have one or two good friends, but I can count on both hands (and maybe a couple of toes!) friends that are like family to me. I work on my friendships as hard as I work on my WW plan. I don't take either for granted and know it's a always a big pay off in the end!

Five Second Rule

I haven't done WW for a while, but I thought I remembered acknowledgments every 5 pounds. You know, first 5 pound, 10 pounds, etc. Since I'm only focusing on 5 pounds at a time it seamed like a good idea. We could celebrate my 5 pounds together! Yesterday I got to the next "5" pound goal for a grand total of 15 pound lost! At the end of every meeting, the girls in the front of the office that do the weigh ins gather all the information for the meeting and give Rosie, the team leader,  the "ribbons" (which are actually paper book markers)  to be handed out. They can range from 5 pounds lost to 100! So I wasn't too surprised when Rosie started handing out the 5 pound cards and she called my name, "Did you lose 5 more pounds?" yes, I did! Rosie said, "Well don't just sit there! Stand up and take notice!" So I stood up and waved my ribbon high in the air, but before my butt could touch the seat, I heard  a small voice from the back of the room say "excuse me?" I didn't have to turn around. I recognised the voice, it was the OTHER Alison. "I think that's my 5 pound ribbon?" It was as if everything was in slow motion as I turned over the card that read "alison" not alyson. I handed over the card with the big "5" on it. Rosie turned to me innocently and said "Did you lose another 5 pounds this week?" Of course I had! I wasn't trying to take the other Alison's glory. Now I was feeling defensive and embarrassed. Rosie thought that my ribbon was further down in the pile since she had just started with the 5's, but after handing out every award, my name was never called. There was no ribbon for my 3rd 5 pounds.  Now I was really embarrassed! The meeting ended and I slithered out. I was trying to remember the last time I felt like that. I think it was Jr. High School! The feeling was wanting to never show my face at that meeting again! I quickly realized that no body was going to remember what happened a week later, but it was a knee jerk reaction. I just wanted to go home and wallow in my misery. I had plans to go walk, but I felt like, forget it! I just want to go home and comfort myself with some chocolate! Instead, I stuck to my plan that night and walked around the mall. I even wanted to quit early, but I stuck with it and felt like I fulfilled a commitment. So I had made a fool of myself. I still had lost 15 pounds! I wasn't going to let my ego get in the way of my success!

Last night the meeting was about what we have learned while on the program and how to turn our mistakes into valuable learning lessons. Especially how not to beat ourselves up when we feel that we've been "bad". I've changed my vocabulary since I've been on WW and don't use words like "bad" or "good" when focused and unfocused are better options. So what have I learned? Well, I call it my Five Second Rule. When I eat something that wasn't the best choice or feel that I've lost focus I look at it like why let one little side step ruin 3 months of hard work. Like when you drop something on the ground and you immediately pick it up, brush it off and, depending on where it fell, go right back to business as usual. I tripped and fell, emotionally, but I picked myself up, brushed myself off, and went right back to the task at hand.  I didn't need to go for comfort food to make myself feel better. I worked it out by myself and actually found some humor in it. Learning to laugh at yourself is a great gift!

I've also learned not to expect anything at the meetings in terms of a "reward". There are a lot of people to keep track of and they're bound to miss something. Besides, I'm not losing weight t o get awards.  My weight loss is my reward.  I'm looking forward to my continued weight loss, but if Rosie calls out "Alyson" again, I'll definitely be asking "which one?"

Lucky Number 13

I lost 2.2 pounds last week for a total of 13.6 pounds. I’ve been on the program now for 8 weeks and I can’t believe how fast time has gone by.  It doesn’t feel like 2 months and it certainly doesn’t feel like I’ve lost 53 sticks of butter. I know my body has changed because I now can fit into jeans that are one size smaller, but I don’t feel it yet and I really don’t see it physically.

Where I do see it is in unusual places like my trash. I know it sounds strange, but I don’t have a full trash can every week. That’s saying something for the environment! And my wallet seams to stay fuller longer. Making my own lunch has made a big difference with my budget.  I never thought I would be a “bring your lunch to work” kind of gal, but not only do I bring my own lunch, I look forward to it! I now find other ways to socialize at work. That part was difficult for me, because I work in a studio with only 2 other people and I really enjoyed going to the commissary and seeing everybody, but now I bring my own and sit out in the patio with my worker friends.

Making a commitment to myself and keeping it is a big thing for me. I could easily make a commitment to anyone else, but when it came to myself I always put myself last. I was never my first priority. What a big lesson. You know when your on an airplane and they go through the emergency shtick about putting your mask on first before you can help someone else? I never had time to put my mask on. It’s amazing how long you can go without any air.

My changes are coming from the inside first. I have to get use to feeling different. I’m still astonished that I’ve not only stuck to losing the weight, but that it’s actually working. I just thought I would always be this that way. I will never underestimate myself again. All I have to do is stay on point and keep track. It’s sounds so simple, but not always easy to do. I’ve learned this week that the less I think about it the more weight I lose. Stop thinking about it and just do it! For once it’s nice not to worry about how and why it works, it just does. I’ll leave that up to all those people that WW pays the big bucks to figure out. As for me? I’ll just relax with a glass of wine (4oz=4 points) and a bowl of my favorite salty/sweet Popcorner Kettle Chips (28g. = 3 points).

I Told You So

We love to prove ourselves right. “I told you so” is a phrase we learn early on in our life. It reinforces the thinking that we can’t do something and we will fail if we try. It raises every excuse in the book.

But with every failure there is a success.

I lost focus last week. The week started out great! I won a Golden Reel Award from my peers for “Inception” and for the first time in along time, I had a fun time at the award dinner. I saw people I haven’t seen in years and I felt terrific. I had a confidence that had been lacking for awhile now both personally and professionally. There were many gifts that night and I was open to receiving them.

Then monday was my WW meeting and I had exceeded my goal of 10 lbs to 11.5 total! Another great evening, feeling pretty good about myself, but as the week went on I found myself having to deal with some stressful events and by Friday night I was eating 3 pieces of pizza. I knew what I was doing and I enjoyed myself at the time, but I knew I would have to pay the price. Sure enough, yesterday I had not gained or lost a pound. I was the same exact weight as the Monday before. I was happy that I didn’t gain anything, but I was disappointed in myself for not losing.

But I had gained something, I gained the knowledge of knowing that every action has a reaction. Even if you’re not honest with yourself, the truth will always prevail. Cheating on your diet is only cheating on yourself. I know that I have what it takes to be successful in losing this weight, but sometimes you have to take a step back to see the whole picture. I also had lost something too. I lost the excuses that I always used to protect myself from feeling like a failure. I lost the negative inner dialogue. I wasn’t going to let a few bad days undo all the hard work I had done for weeks. I started right back on my diet and have kept moving forward. I still expect to lose another 5 lbs. by the end of the month. My goals have not changed, but my attitude has. As Rosie pointed out yesterday, the word Attitude adds up to 100. You have to do the program 100 percent or it won’t work. Trust me on this one. Measure and count your points. It’s very simple.

You just have to do the math!